I am puke
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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