ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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