Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
