can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
