Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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