Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
