We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
