is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
