: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
