obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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