so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
