dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
