new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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