just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
50% drunk capacity currently
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
