M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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