My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
