I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
