Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
