Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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