there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
