am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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