i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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