How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
