just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
