so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Operation Purity has been aborted
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
