Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
