Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
