it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
