Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
