Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
