Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
