it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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