In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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