Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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