just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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