It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Idk if I want to put a bra on
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
