Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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