no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
