Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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