You smell like stripper and shame
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
