I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
