My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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