Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
