You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
