i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
