dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My vagina just recognized that song.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
