oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
