just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
