Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
