i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
